MY SHTICK: UH, DYSFUNCTIONAL OR ASSISTFUNCTIONAL?

I may be lil and a lil old-fashioned, but I carry a big shtick. Have a fun day. Here's some of homemade shtick humor for today: Uh, dysfunctional & assistfunctional explained. Here goes. Well, all of us and our families all a lil dysfunctional, right? All needin assistance from above and within to function, right? Uh...yes! I like to say our fam is assistfunctional cuz uh... dysfunctional sounds so warped. Assistfunctional sounds faith inspiring. There are other times we are blissfunctional [oblivious to life's horrors], wishfunctional [functioning on the well wishes of others and wanting to please them], listfunctional [can't function without a list, that's me always], misfunctional [kind of like a misfire, almost functional], pissedfunctional [anger keeps us going] and finally riskfunctional [when it's risky for you to even wander out in the world. Have a functional day. How do I funktion? With a lil assist and a lil funk! Signed, She Carries Her Shtick To All Funktions

Bumps & Beat!

I was talkin to someone this evening 'bout bumps in the road. Roads off the beaten path. I'm pretty much one of those "off the beaten path" kind of people when it comes to anything. Sometimes, I go off the beaten path and beat the odds. But, then other times, things get a lil bumpy and I feel beaten. Tho, I do try to stay upbeat. Mostly. Def not perf by a zillion heartbeats. But, unless I go off that beaten path, I won't know what I can beat. Don't that beat all. We gotta have an "I can beat this" attitude with everything. A beat-itude. Beatitude. Be in the attitude of grace and blessed be's! Well, blessed beats. Signed, And The Beat Goes On

Figment of Pigment!

I have this old white shirt that I want to bring back to life. Want to dye it. I can see it a pretty antique blue like this wall. But, right now? That's just a pigment of my imagination. PIMP LOL. Have a fun day. Imagine. Til figment is faith. It'll bring you back to life. Break down walls.  Oh. And, just some thoughts today about "ifs, ands or buts". When someone's always giving you "ifs, ands or buts"? Maybe you should be done. Quit butting heads. We sometimes hug the ifs and hold hands with the ands, In fear. Abandon fear. God says gift instead of if. Hand instead of and. Use your gift. Lend your hand. No more ifs or ands. Or, you'll just end up kissing their buts. OK. Have a fun day. Bless someone with a kiss, a hug or hold their hand. Be real. No ifs, ands or butts. Or buttin heads. Or buttheads. PIMP LOL. Signed, She Blows Kisses To Throw Off Disses and She's Just A Blues Pigment Of Your Music Figment

The Black & Blue Beat!

We, sometimes, beat ourselves up too much. Our soul can get black and blue. Sitting in that pitch black dark mind and feeling blue can rub off. Bruise us. Black and blues us. So, my pitch for that? We might need to change our light bulb. Sometimes, they burn out. Or, our flashlight batteries. They lose power. And, candles? They melt. Wick-edly fast. But our inside light? Doesn't require batteries, bulbs or wax. Thank you God for your light. In us. Don't that beat all. Watt! Signed, She's Feeling Dim, Witty & Punchy

SUBJECTS & PREDICATE-MENTS!

When your emotions are raw, best to not talk. Or holler. Or cry. Except to God. He's the only one who can understand and take the anger and hurt and rawness and still love you. And turn the raw into rawk! Chalk it up to experience. He's been around a long time. Knows what's best. Even when we beg to convince him otherwise. Where words are many, sentences occur! Life sentences. PIMP LOL. Words can last a lifetime in our memory banks. Where we become the subject of our predicate-ament. Sentences become predicaments when spoken raw. Signed, She Raw-ks It Up To Experience?

AWW-THEN-ICK or AUTHENTIC?

The 1st is when we meet someone and we go like "AWW" but THEN we go like "ICK", after we get to know them. The 2nd? We meet someone and go like "aww" but after we get to to know them we go like "awesome"! Have a fun day. Be a friend, authentically. Awesome example? Jesus. He loves us, icks and awws. Photograph? Some fine examples of authentic. A Ford truck, a country girl, a front porch, a rocker, a swing and another rocker. Signed, She's Picky Bout Shticky Ick-y

Worry!

Working on a new song today. About worry. Perfect timing. Finances and health things tend to weigh us down. Praying those worries right outta he-uh. Weigh outta he-uh. Trusting God for he knows all our worries. Weigh better than we do. Have a weigh fun day. This time of year we get flurries. And, worries. Brrr... They can both be cold. Signed, She Buries Her Worries

Accoutrements!

Accoutrements! I really like the way that word rolls off my lips. And, not just because I took French. My accoutrements? My outward accessories? Equipment? Fingerless gloves and a smile. Inward? God's word. I like to hold on to what is good. And hope it comes through on the outside. It's an accesory I can't live without. Equipped so's I don't get whipped. Have a fun day. Sometimes, we hold on to what doesn't look good on us. Or look good in us. Hold on to what is good. The other stuff? Whip it good! PIMP LOL. Letting go and holding on. A find line. Finding what works for you. Signed, She's Equipped So She's Not Whipped! Whip It Good! 

Super Moonings!

Since we had a supermooon last eve, I thought I'd write about mooning. I don't always super enjoy being mooned, but when I do? It better crack me up and be super funny. PIMP LOL. Ok. Go pull your pants up and have a super fun day, guys. Hang someone's moon. Enjoying everyone's magnificent shots of God's super moon on display for us. I am sure we crack him up quite often. And, vice versa. Signed, She's All Moony During Her Luna-y

Closet Credit!

What man wouldn't love a woman who can put a closet door back together and back on track and then lay down a song track. Oh yeauh. Did I mention I prayed before both? Gotta give credit where credit's due. To stay on track. Don't keep due credit in the closet. My old wood bi-fold closet doors got tired, came un-tracked and broken. That can happen to us, too, if we don't remember to give credit where credit's due. Have a fun day. Praying. Keeps us on track. Avoids tears. Mostly. I only shed a few while fixing. From laughing. Cuz it kept falling til I raised the bar. On the floor. Same with life. Raise the bar. Keep improving. Signed, If You Look Closer It's Easy To TRACE The Tracks Of My Tears

No Knee'd For Sugarcoats And Pants!

When we find ourselves, or someone dear, knee deep in pants from trying to get through the tough stuff that sugarcoating only made harder and dragged out, it's time to take off our pants! And our suga coat! What! Yep. And, get on yo knees and bare it all. Then? Put you on some overalls, roll up your sleeves and get on with real life. You may pant a time or 2 because facing reality can get real. Clothes for real life? The soulfull armor of God. You never know when the shoe will be on the other foot. Signed, She Bares Her Soul & Wears Her Goal

Chamber Potty Talk!

I decided to put the toilet paper on the holder in the "going under" position just to see what would happen. Just as I suspected... Life rolled on. I didn't go under. PIMP LOL. But, I have to admit. I couldn't stand it. I just had to sit down for that. Had to switch it back. Toilet paper is something to sit down for. The other stuff? Taking a sit? A knee? No. Just no. Stand. Respect. Knees are for praying. Photograph? An antique chamber pot. What else! Signed, She's Over The Top

I'm Pumped About The Septic!

It's that awesome time once again and it's time to get pumped! Why all the excitement? Why, it's septic pumping time, of course. Of course, it can only happen in the middle of the night, holidays, Fridays and wallet empty days, not overflowing. Yep. Septics and toilets. Keep us all equals. I grew up hearing, "What? You think your 💩 don't stink?" I mean, we all love when things are full and overflowing. Like our bellies and our fridges. Our wallets, our change jars. We love it when our cup runneth over. BUTT, now, septics full and overflowing? And, our own plumbing? No. Just no. Have a fun day, my equals. I know you are equally pumped for us. What's that saying? It does happen. Trusting God in the full and runneth over. As well as the pumped and dumped. Don't dump on anyone today. You never know what crap they been thru. Think before you stink. Oh. And, speaking of middle of the night? One of us stepped on dog poop checking out the mess. We don't own a dog. Yep. Can't make up real life. But, I can write about it. Because I know we all be having rough patches that could use some humor and hope. And, I like to help. I just can't help myself! PIMP LOL. Send a lil love out to your septic guy. He always has to take crap from everyone. Photograph? Taking in the "fresh air".  Signed, She Knows Her Poop

Kindness... She Is A Time Traveler!

Our house has been the neighborhood high school bus stop for many moons so I have always opened the garage for them to be out of the weather. Before my girl was in high school and even these last 4 years our girl has been away at college. See, when I was a kid in Pennsylvania, my neighbors on the farm down the hill from us were the designated mountain bus stop. The Seavers always opened their shed garage barn thing for us to be out of the snowy cold weather. I never forgot. Kindness is that way. Anyways, this morning, the rooster in my phone overslept as it was delightfully pouring down raining. God woke me a little later and I heard the rain and remembered my kids outside. Felt so bad. I ran out in my pj's, opened the garage and there they were. Usually 10, but just 2 today, outside getting soaked. I apologized and 1 of them said her feet were so wet. Since I had some time before the bus, I had her give me her sopping wet socks and shoes and threw them in the dryer with a Snuggles. Kindness... Feels like a dryer and a snuggle when youre standing in sopping wet socks and shoes. Kindness for me? Being able to love and help kids. Big kids, too. I miss my big kid on this morn. But, God blessed me with these for today. Have a good Monday. Kindness. Goes a long way. Even travels through time. And, you know? Kids tell you things. If you listen. And, big kids, too. Signed, She's A Time Traveler

Hard Pressed!

When the fabric of your life gets full of wrinkles? Sometimes, you gotta iron things out yourself. And, sometimes? You gotta let God smooth things out in His time. I thought this whilst I was pressing my parlor curtains because they needed washed along with the sheers after years of hanging. And they came out extremely wrinkled. Got me thinking those thoughts I first wrote. I'm a fixer. But lots of things can't be fixed by me. Knowing that can either can put some starch in my pants to help me stand up tall or get me steamed. I choose to have starch in my pants and a stiff upper lip than to get steamed over things I can't fix. My curtains look sharp now as you can see in comments. My housekeepers bible paraphrase: Ironing sharpens wrinkly curtains. Haha. I better stop or it'll be curtains for me with my readers. It really is "Iron sharpens iron". Means we need each other. To iron things out. Our human wrinkles. We sharpen each other. And, we need God. For all our wrinkles. Because sometimes we can get hard pressed. Song for this? ZZ Top's SHARP DRESSED MAN! SIGNED, Ironically, She Irons Sharply

Waves Of Faith!

Sometimes you just gotta let the waves of faith flow all over you to wash away the tears inside. Besides, who notices a bucket of teardrops in a sea of faith. Signed, She Waves Her Write

IT B IN OUR NATURE"

What B in our nature? Well, my family overheard me say outside "Take that you you you B!" To which my shocked family just stared at me. I choose to try to not cuss mostly. Though I did cuss horribly way back in the day. So yes they B shocked. But see they couldn't hear the silent "EE" on the "B". I explained that I was yelling at a bee for bugging me. Or trying to explain, but they B having none of it. They said I could have been calling the bee a B. They were just kidding of course. Have a fun night. Tis good to B expressive and not B using the F bomb and other crude ammo when conversating. Descriptive adjectives and adverbs are much more BA. Just kidding. I prefer a smart vocabulary over a smart mouth. I have heard it all and said it all but I am not pro or a fan of profanity. But, it B in our nature to blurt out when we are shocked. So we do have to B working at it. I taught myself to talk clean. But God gives me the power to always B changing. Always B learning. That B in my nature. Don't need ta explain. Don't need ta complain. Just plain need ta maintain. Signed, This Plain Jane Maintains! She's Sane? & She B Having A Taught-y Mouth Rather Than A Potty Mouth

Addictions Can Get-choo Down! So Sit-choo Down!

Just coming down off of a chip high. What? Yep. Woke up with bags under my eyes. And there weren’t none chips in them. PIMP LOL. The addict in my brain thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips. Seriously gonna have to fast these things. Not supposed to have them with my “no stomach, lotsa guts” situ. So, guess I gotta sit-choo down and talk bout this situ. You, as in, God. The maker of taters. I know to most of you, chips ain’t nothing compared to other addictions. But, I been at the compared to already. So, you’d think if I can beat cigs, drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs and all, chips’d be easy? Wrong. I quit them before. Had it in the bag. Sound familiar? Well, have a fun day. Addictions are meant to be beat down. Not beat us down. God beats it all. So, if he says “I need ta sit-choo down about this situ”? Go ahead and sit-choo down. And, then git yerself up with yer big pants on cuz you all that and a bag of chips without that addiction. Addiction situ's can get you down if you don't sit-choo down with God for help. Signed, She’s Likes To Minus Her Addictions

DISCOMBOBULATERED!

Definition of discombobulatered: When DIS life COM at U from every direction and yo head starts to BOB. And U feel like everything's happening slightly LATER than U like. DISCOMBULATERED. That's when U be quiet and pray and trust. COM on! Signed, DIS Girl? She See U LATER BOB! COM On!

It's A Jungle Out There!

It's a jungle out there! But, keep swinging. And, every once in a while come down from the trees. It's in our nature to hide when things are jungle-y and treacherous. But, we have a vine to swing on that won't snap. A rescue. A connection to our God who won't leave us hanging. But, He might need us to quit hiding. Trying to camouflage ourselves. To blend in. I mean He sees us, but he wants us to come out ourselves instead of being drug out roaring. And, I ain't lion. Maybe we shouldn't always blend in. There's a time to camo and a time to jam oh and come out and be yourself! Keep fighting. Signed, She's Camo'd & Ammo'd